pick up your eyes, my love

your footsteps break the concrete and free the earth

your boots carry seeds and spores and your tears give them life,

of course i will walk with you

one day i’ll be a squinty man who wears suits

people will bring me apples and i’ll watch them rot

a pile of woven baskets will be my casket

& i will sail to the delta singing

long live the void

the train is running late

who cares

i want to bathe in a river

warehouse ventilation fans whir,

it is windy (i close my eyes) today

i am on a beach

halfway through half a sandwich on a baguette
sitting and watching a small bush pressed by the wind
raising an answered phone to an ear
undo the sutures

pieces, now liberated
flit or float along a sidewalk 
now trampled underfoot
now resting on a bench
now caught in a tree
now carried by an updraft 

land in sky, new constellations to guide me home

how to handroll a cigarette while standing on the L

1. Appropriate elements from a marginalized largely insular community with DIY aesthetics/tendencies (punk, skinhead, homeless, etc.) into wardrobe and overall look
2. Acquire rolling tobacco and rolling papers. Note: step #2 is necessary but not sufficient for the completion of step #1
3. Through electronic exchange of capital, acquire MTA card from machine located in (some) subway station(s). Note: #3 may be skipped if in possession of MTA card with adequate funds or if expiration period has not been exceeded, or if subway station features three-pronged turnstiles with ostensibly no MTA/NYPD officers in station
4. Cross turnstile threshold, promptly walk to subway platform
5. Upon reaching platform, if underground 5.1) move two or more (no more than five) regions demarcated by vertical, exposed-steel or ceramic-tiled support structures from staircase; if above ground 5.2) move two to four regions demarcated by overhead lamps from staircase or to within 30 feet of nearest bench/garbage can (whichever requires least movement parallel to tracks)
6. Stand with 90-95% erect posture, exhibiting vaguely furrowed brow and hard stare with eyes (typically used by alpha canines to exhibit dominance over other canines; occasionally by humans to exhibit alpha status over canine(s)). Orientation of body largely unimportant, but should not be facing direction of oncoming train in anticipatory manner
7. Keeping eyes unfocused, keep angle between line of direction of gaze (imaginary line between midpoint of eyes and region of space of gaze) and normal of head-plane (imaginary line perpendicular to imaginary line between ears) within ~10 degrees in either direction
8. Explore surroundings. Slowly rotate head and body in tandem, along axis running from head to toe in center of body, obeying previously established ~10 degree rule
9. When noticing features, rotation velocity w/r/t head-toe axis should be unchanged (changing velocity indicates feature-detection and attention in a visual scene; avoid attending to stimuli)
10. As train approaches, observe attractive humans via windows of potential subway cars of travel in disinterested way; enter car with most androgynous-looking human
11. Abstaining from eye contact, enter subway car (after train has stopped and doors have opened) and stand in periphery of field of vision of androgynous human being (AHB, hereafter), no closer than 5 ft from AHB, no further than 5 ft from subway door
12. Hold onto bar if desired, read book of poetry that does not rhyme
13. When three or fewer stops from destination, begin mentally planning necessary actions to remove 1) tobacco and 2) rolling papers from back pocket of jeans or front pocket of backpack NOTE: IF YOU CANNOT ROLL A CIGARETTE IN ESTIMATED ELAPSED TIME BETWEEN SECOND STATION TO DESTINATION AND ARRIVAL AT DESTINATION, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ROLL CIGARETTE AS CONJUNCTION OF TIME-COMMITMENT AND POOR ROLLING SKILLS BETRAY TRACES OF EFFORT AND DESIRE FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT IN LARGELY INCONSEQUENTIAL DOMAIN, SOLELY FOR PURPOSE OF PERSONAL EXHIBITION
14. Keeping feet ~shoulder width apart, while train speeding up or maintaining velocity, 14.1) keep front foot perpendicular to direction of travel, back foot ~12 degrees clockwise from perpendicular to direction of travel; while slowing down (approaching station) undetectably rotate back foot to perpendicular, front foot to ~12 counter-clockwise from perpendicular
15. Deliberately and disinterestedly execute motor actions required to produce tobacco and rolling papers. Note: plan initiation of execution of motor actions such that cigarette will be rolled in its entirety upon subway reaching and stopping at station +/- 1/10th of estimated time-elapsed between penultimate and ultimate stop
16. Hold tobacco pouch in nondominant hand, plane of pouch parallel to plane of floor of subway car
17. Remove single rolling paper with dominant hand, place between index finger of nondominant hand and tobacco pouch, return papers to front or back pocket, regardless of original paper-location (e.g. backpack, etc.)
18. Remove tobacco with dominant hand, place along line bisecting short-axis of rolling paper
19. Switch tobacco + rolling paper to dominant hand, placing dominant hand index finger along top of tobacco + rolling paper to lightly compress tobacco
20. In same fluid motion as #19, with nondominant hand fold over top of tobacco pouch and place in back pocket
21. Roll cigarette
22. Place behind ear
23. Exit train in inattentive manner, focus on impending nicotine influx 
24. Don’t think about lung cancer
25. Exit station, light cigarette, glare frequently

i wrote a paper about jimmy corrigan: the smartest kid on earth

maybe you’d like to read it? it was for a class that i took during the summer. there are “spoilers” in it, so don’t read it if you haven’t read the graphic novel. if you have not read the graphic novel, it is probably one of the best that exists so you should read it. it is pretty depressing though just fyi.

anyway, you can download/read the paper here if that is something you would like to do.

it is 8 pages long and there are no proper citations because the paperback copy of the book does not have page numbers.

what happened to my hair it used to be blond now it is brown

emotive hardcore is my whole shit now

to all the mopey misanthropes who take solace in my blog via a notion of collective suffering:

don’t.

so long as you are suffering, you are alone. recognizing that other people are suffering does not lessen your suffering. nor does it change the nature of suffering.

dysphoria is a disease. like any disease, it should be eradicated.

it is an unhealthy mindset, morally reprehensible to proliferate. i apologize for my part (however small) in the burgeoning of said mentality.

embracing negative affect is a quagmire with no hope of nor recourse for transcendence through its means. shit bequeaths shit. shit begets shit.

do not feel good about feeling bad. do not feel good that other people feel bad when you feel bad. do not watch depressing movies. do not listen to depressing music. do not look at depressing art. do not think about depressing things.

work diligently and consume appropriately. consume diligently and work appropriately. consume conspicuously to fill the void you feel for living a life characterized solely by conspicuous consumption of goods, art, media, content, information.

do not like. do not reblog. do not link. do not post.

this is not a joke. this is a joke.

am i laughing? are you laughing?